In the morning, when the sun has begun to rise, and tendrils of sweet smelling Nepalese incense wafts in through my window from my neighbors home, I feel at peace with the world. I can hear the sound of seagulls screeching as they circle around Lake Michigan, located a short four blocks from my home. I am lucky. I am blessed. In the morning is when I feel most like myself. Right now, my senses are comforted and I am able to feel everything that the universe wants me to feel.
This morning, my mind felt steady enough for me to sit down and pen a post that would actually come from a place of clarity. I was supposed to have written three blog posts by now, but since Monday, I’ve been super stressed about a lot of things that are happening in my life. Worrying about my hair, my new furniture, new friends, old friends, new job opportunities, etc. I thought that perhaps I should go back on anxiety pills. They definitely helped a lot when I was at Oberlin. I remember being able to look around mybreakfast table and point out the people who I’ve borrowed benzos from, and who could probably use them at the moment. After a week of debating with other Obies and drinking with your professors, what more could you expect. Yes, I said that correctly. But no–I’ve already chosen not to numb myself with drugs just because I’ve been prescribed them in the past. I am not who I was before. I am in a different place in my life right now, a place where I know that I am capable of conquering the challenges I have with strength, determination and a whole lot of mediation. My daily sadhana still needs work, but I’m feeling better everyday that I do it. You see, I’ve mapped out for myself the things that I need to do to become more mentally and physically strong. Doing yoga everyday, eating consciously, and striving to be more emphatic doesn’t come easy. Being mindful of everything that I do, say and think has been challenging, but these challenges have helped pave the road that I needed to take to find my most authentic self. I know that I can and will be the courageous person that I need to be because it is good for me and the relationships I’m in. Especially now. Ever since I was introduced to Kundalini yoga this past spring, I’ve felt like I’ve been able to maintain this new found confidence and grow into a more enlightened person. I take my time with things and don’t let the little things bother me. If I eat 5 Chinese dumplings instead of 4, I don’t get angry with myself. If I get into an argument with someone, I know that stepping away doesn’t make me the weaker person. In the short time that I’ve been practicing this yogic style, I’ve felt more in touch with my inner self and have found a light inside of me that feels like its coming from the sun itself. I feel like I’m a Daughter of the Sun…or something. I feel that I’ve awakened to my true self. I am happy, healthy, and able to breathe with ease.
When I wake up in the morning, I feel hope. I have a new day to be who I want to be.
Thank goodness for that.